


Still, We're Together

by lualovespugs



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Self Harm, im sorry, it sorta has a happy ending??, mentions of - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:59:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5025736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lualovespugs/pseuds/lualovespugs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's spiralling down<br/>Biting words like a wolf howling<br/>Hate is spitting out each others mouths<br/>But we're still sleeping like we're lovers</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still, We're Together

He finds himself crying with his back facing the door and his hands covering his ears. The sleeves of his hoodie soaking wet from his tears and the only thing he hears is his weak breathing. He doesn’t want to hear another word Tsukishima has to say, and enough is enough. Being that the fourth argument they have in a week, Yamaguchi is tired of it. His mind is tired, his body is tired and his voice is already dying from all the screaming they do. His arms and hands filled with red and purple bruises, his thighs filled with self-harm scars that will forever haunt him, his heart and mind filled with confused feelings.

How many times had Yamaguchi thought about moving out. Every single day this thought came to his mind but just as quick as it came, it went away. He still remembers how being with Tsukishima used to make him feel safe. It gave him a warm and relaxing sensation, sitting in bed with him, listening to whatever song the radio played, humming and whistling to their favorite songs. They used to stay up all night watching scary movies or documentaries or just talking for hours and hours. They would play videogames and laugh at how bad they were. His head, resting on Tsukishima’s chest, listening to his heart beating and falling asleep with his hand playing with Yamaguchi’s hair. He built a home in Tsukishima’s soul and as long as they were together, nothing else mattered.

But Yamaguchi can barely remember of the good memories now.

How long has it been since the last time they truly had a good time together. Ten months? A year? It felt like an eternity. Their fights seemed to never end, now matter what they did.

Yamaguchi clearly remembers of the day he woke up without Tsukishima by his side. The emptiness of the apartment made him feel small and weak, as if he needed Tsukishima’s presence to breath, to feel alive. The cold and silent wind coming from the window, was slowly killing him, his mind becoming more and more empty as the time went by. His skin ached with the sensation, his blood wanting release and his entire body trembling. He had no strength to move and no motivation came from his mind, his body curled up in a fetal position and his teeth dug deep in his lips, making them bleed. He didn’t eat, he felt like he couldn’t breath and he wished he wasn’t breathing anymore. It was simply unbearable.

But then he heard someone knocking on the door.

_I’ll wrap up my bones, and leave them_  
_Out of this home, out on the road_

And it all stayed the same.

Late night, when they were both sleepless, they’d turn off the lights, close the windows and pull the curtains, Tsukishima would light a cigarette. He’d fill his lungs with the smoke and feel it burning inside, just to let it all out seconds later. Yamaguchi could hear their breathing, feel the warmth of his skin, the smoke invading his lungs and the past memories making him feel overwhelmed.

_Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats_

The darkness made Yamaguchi feel trapped, hopeless, encaged, but he liked it in a certain way. He could let his mind drift far from there, close his eyes and care only about himself. These familiar feelings were what ‘home’ felt like to him, because love was something he’d forgotten long ago.

_Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go_

It didn’t matter what they said, what they did, what they wanted. Their desire to live was greater than anything else and nothing would stop them from living. Sure, there were times of despair in which they said things they didn’t truly mean it. It was a relation bond to destruct themselves and they knew it, they knew it so bad but they needed it to survive. It didn’t feel right, but it didn’t feel wrong.

Tsukishima saw the cuts on Yamaguchi’s thighs lightened by the afternoon sun. “What are those?” he asked, “Tell me”, he demanded. For the first time, Yamaguchi questioned their current state, “You don’t even know how I’m feeling anymore. You don’t care, do you?”, he was shouting now and the tears started to fall of his eyes, “How long are we going to keep this? How long can you take this?”

Silence.

Yamaguchi’s right cheek was bright red, and so was Tsukishima’s hand. He felt his face blushing from anger and pain, his eyes burning and the tears rolling out. He cried silently, and slowly turned his face to look at Tsukishima’s eyes. They showed no sign of pity or sadness, only regret. His lips formed a straight line and he was pale. They were both speechless.

Yamaguchi felt Tsukishima’s lips on his own, lust taking over the surprise and filling their minds and bodies. Hands traveling all the way through him, his mouth exploring every inch of Yamaguchi’s neck and chest, leaving marks while doing so. Clothes being taken off, names being called and curses being said under their breaths. Pleasure filling the room, they rushed things over only to take it slow afterwards. They were able to forget everything, even if just for a few minutes and nothing else mattered. There wasn’t love involved that night, only lust, anger, desperation and need.

_Biting words like a wolf howling_  
_Hate is spitting out each others mouths_

They layed next to each other with empty minds and tired bodies. Tsukishima kissed every single one of Yamaguchi’s scars and bruises, with gentle hands he touched him as if he could break at any moment. Their mouths showed small and fragile smiles, they looked at each other with soft looks, but yet those eyes hid dark secrets in them. Hands intertwined, hearts beating at the same pace, warm breaths keeping the cold away.

_But we're still sleeping like we're lovers_

He doesn’t know the time exactly, but he knows he’s been more than an hour sitting on the bathroom floor. With few strength he has left, Yamaguchi gets up and supports himself by holding the sink. He turns on the water and stares at the flowing movements and listens to the relaxing sound. His knuckles are white from tightening his hands too hard on the sink. Facing the mirror, he sees his red and swollen eyes in contrast with his pale face and dark freckles. His shaking hand goes through his hair as an attempt to calm down, his breaths are slow and deep. He didn’t hear any breaking sound, screams, slamming doors or loud music. It’s been too quiet for too long and something feels wrong. Yamaguchi slowly opens the bathroom door, trying not to fall with his trembling legs.

“I’m sorry”, he hears, “I’m so sorry”.

He finds Tsukishima sitting on the floor in the same position he was minutes ago, mumbling this phrases over and over again, in a low and shaky voice. He’s hiding his face between his legs and holding his glasses in his unsteady hands. There are long and red marks on his arms, probably from digging his nails on them. Yamaguchi has never seen Tsukishima like this.

_Two feet standing on a principle_  
_Two hands digging in each others wounds_

Raising his head, Tsukishima looks at Yamaguchi with a painful expression and it hits him like a ton of bricks. His eyes were also swollen and red from all the crying and he was clearly biting his lip to restrain himself from making any sound. After all they’ve been through, Yamaguchi isn’t sure how to feel about the blond anymore, but seeing him like that, in such a fragile position, with all of his feelings showing right there in his face, it made Yamaguchi act on impulse. With short steps, barely making any sound, he walks towards Tsukishima and hugs him awkwardly, feeling the tears coming to his eyes again. He feels Tsukishima’s arms hugging him back and he finally says something.

“I’m so sorry, Tadashi. I… I don’t know what happened to me- what happened to us. It’s all my fault, I know I fucked up and I’m sorry.”

His voice is muffled and their crying makes it hard to hear but Yamaguchi understands it clearly, he’s very sure of the words he just heard. He breaks apart their hug and with a little bit of difficulty he gets up and puts out a helping hand so that Tsukishima gets up too. He guides them towards the bed and they lay together once more. Slowly, they get more and more familiar with this feeling of comfort.

Their legs intertwine and Kei’s feet rub against Yamaguchi’s calf in an affectionate way.

_Still with feet touching_

Their eyes meet and refuse to look another way.

_Still with eyes meeting_

They hold their hands and nothing in the world could tear them apart.

_Still our hands match_

Their beating hearts once again feel alive.

_Still with hearts beating_

Yamaguchi smiles and says:

“Let’s try again”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I have no idea why I did this to myself honestly, I was so in love with Daughter's song Still ((https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUWrcFpmI5U)) and BAM I wrote this angsty TsukiYama ¯\\_( ◉ 3 ◉ )_/¯ I hope you enjoyed reading it!!


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